Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Randomize
