Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
