The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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