dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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