I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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