I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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