Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
