every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
