Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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