Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
