please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
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There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
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Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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