I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
did i just pee glitter
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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