so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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