Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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