I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
