dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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