i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I don't deserve a penis
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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