Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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