Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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