I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
