Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
