So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
