mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
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Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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