cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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