the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
