After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
