Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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