A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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