I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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