Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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