Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Drunk is not a location!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
