wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
