i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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