ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
