It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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