He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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