You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
