I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
