I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
