I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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