There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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