I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
