since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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