I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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