is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
