Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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