ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
