Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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