community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
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I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
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He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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