So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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