so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
