i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
