I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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