Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
