he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
