Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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