Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
