There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
