The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
